Dear Carol,

Thank you so much for your feedback, which I enjoyed immensely.  I will try to clarify a bit:  It is mostly curiosity and surprise that I feel  Frustrated, not really.  I am not reversing my position here to report that life has been a picnic, anything but.  I am, however, finding the remnants of joy, depth and aliveness that I now understand do not come with a very passive and prolonged easy kind of life.  I know now that my future may very well be difficult and that I will not exactly have what it takes to retire on the Riviera and the likes; that I will not have family members to coddle me and guard my every move.  What I do know, however, is that I will have work, relationships and meaningful vocation that comes strictly at the price of all of the blood, sweat and tears of a hard won struggle, but one that rains down upon me a divine grace always so very unexpected that I could bask in the gratitude I would never experience with an easy life.

All of the solitude and being alone with myself I have already experienced at the beginning of this year.  The irony is that I already found it so powerful and mastered it so quickly that this phase no longer describes my life to any extreme degree. 

 I started this year profoundly sad for being so alone in the world.  I also found out, however, at this point, that the sounds of ocean tides were my only companion.  I found out that while I could talk to the four winds with deep satisfaction, hanging out with others did not necessarily provide me with much solace.

Only after my communion with the spirit of the tides and receiving answers thereof, did I finally begin to feel I could connect with human companionship.  Just for one example of transformation:  My mother has lived in a foreign country for the last six years and I am by myself.  Nonetheless for most of this time, I had been more continuously angry with this relationship and stoic about her absence more than anything.  Finally, reflecting on the beach and feeling all my sadness for the very first time, my old feelings of anger changed forever into wistful longings.  Now I will still matter-of-factly state things about her and our relationship I know did not ever work for me, but I am no longer angry.

Now my life still has some rough edges of sadness and this may always be so, or I may not grow.  For example, my eye sight is much less than perfect than I would like because of the sudden cataracts I developed, but my doctors are discouraging me from surgery due to the dangers they perceive.

I have earned absolutely no money for the longest time and the hammer is about to fall on me for this in a way I stand to lose everything.  I don't want to get too overly personal and detailed here, but I just want to give you the gist of my current life.

Nonetheless, to make a long story short, strange and unexpected things begin to happen when I finally feel the urgency!  Like finally working somewhere after my sister tells me this is impossible.  Like finding some friends and relationships I never expected I would have.  Like one example, my friend Leah:  We met each other feeling angry and frustrated by our common job club experiences and not getting the help we wanted. 

There is more to that, but to make a long story short, this seemingly angry person needing to fight for her rights -- along with mine, I might add -- well, she opened to me herself, her life, her home, her family and guess what?  Never have I met somebody who lived with and around so much harmony, idealism, poetry and spirituality -- to the point of the absolutely magical and surreal!  It is always such a joy being invited home to visit her wonderful joyful-spirited mother (separated from her dad but very peacefully so), and her ancient style family home right on Venice Beach, complete with winding stairwell that always reminds me of a lighthouse!  This family, like me, has a great love for the sea, manifest in a myriad ways.

Now what you stated about focusing on essentials:

 I was taking three classes at school, much to the complaints and chagrin of one job coach who complained she couldn't help me because I was too busy.  Among some other reasons as well, she refused to work with me.

Meanwhile I found an organization in Pasadena for out of work seniors, totally devoted to going to any lengths to place me in a special paid job training program.  They have me working now at a library literacy center.

Well, to make a long story short, I will still need to figure how to get from Literacy tutoring to my interests in either world cultures or spiritual psychology, but I at least feel a lot closer to fulfilling my potential.Okay!  Sorry for the very long explanation, but this has been the exact nature of my seven year!

All my loving greetings, Liana Frankel